


Always

by Rayvynheart



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, M/M, allusion to abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 19:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2663819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rayvynheart/pseuds/Rayvynheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean remembers John talking about Mary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

As Dean got older, he began to realize his mother must have been just like any other person; she had flaws, but for Dean, she was still perfectly flawed. That’s what happens when a parent dies too young. They become something more than they were, something bigger and better, because one never has to confront the reality. The reality is lost in hazy memory.

  


The moments he traveled back and saw Mary as a young woman on the verge of a life, even a life cut so short, his heart nearly burst with happiness and longing. He wished he could save her, protect her. Keep her in bed that cold November night. Dean knew this to be impossible, even for the Winchester boys. He knew (hoped) he could change the future, fight hard against “destiny”, but even with the powers of heaven, he wasn’t able to make one dent in the events of the past.

  


If seeing his mother made him feel as if his chest was expanding too fast, seeing his dad caused the exact opposite effect. He felt a tight band around his heart, constricting his chest painfully. Who was this smiling man? How could this trusting, hopeful person become twisted with obsession and bitterness? Dean recognized part of what he felt when seeing young John with his wide smile and big dreams was regret and a flicker of anger. Dean had needed _THIS _John Winchester, not the carved out shell who raised him.__

  


Dean remembered the rare times when John talked about Mary. Those times when he had enough of a buzz to dial back his inhibitions, but before he’d reached the inevitable black-out, raging-fists-flying stage. Even though Dean knew his father’s black moods would be even darker than usual and his fuse even shorter after he spoke about Mary, even though Dean knew this, he still loved those glimpses of his mother. It was worth every bruise he’d wake up with the next morning just to see his father’s face soften for a moment in hoarded memory.

  


When John would talk about his wife, he always would say “Dean, I didn’t know right away, but after I came back from ‘Nam and I saw your mother, it hit me: She was it for me. For the rest of my life, there would be no one else.”

  


After that, John would smile slowly, than take a long tug off his whiskey bottle. Dean knew that look. The spell was broken, so he worked quickly and quietly to get Sammy out of the path of whatever might come next. Usually it was just words spoken loudly, or things thrown. Occasionally things did get physical and Dean knew he could take whatever John dished out. He always had before.

  


In retrospect, Dean was smart enough to know his parent’s relationship wasn’t without struggles. He knew there was never enough money, and John still dealt with the invisible wounds from his time in the corps. And Dean knew from his brief stint in Heaven, that John and Mary fought sometimes bitterly, sometimes without hope of reconciliation.

  


After John died or went to hell, Dean would do his best not to think of his Dad. It was very hard, but Dean had spent a lifetime putting up walls and stuffing down his feelings. That was the third, unspoken but understood, part of the family business--repressing emotions.

  


It wasn’t until after purgatory, after Cas came back, maybe even after the crypt, that Dean suddenly thought back to what his father used to say about Mary: She was it for him. For the rest of his life, there would be no one else.

  


Remembering that was the moment Dean realized he loved Cas. Was in love with him. Because John, flawed, destructive, abusive John, had been right about one thing. Sometimes two people truly are made for each other and sometimes they are lucky enough to find one another.

  


Dean knew, with spine-stiffening conviction that Castiel was it for him. There had never been another. There would never be another. Only Cas. Always Cas.

  


It scared Dean. But in spite of the fear, he felt exhilarated. Because he knew that the idea of living without Cas was far worse than the fear of feeling what he felt. This Angel, HIS angel, was worth it.

  


Now he just needed to tell him.

  


“Cas-I hope you have your ears on…”

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorite things in Destiel works is when Dean realizes Cas "is it for him." (Bonus points if he says it out loud to someone). That got me thinking what if maybe he had seen some example of what that looked like. I have mixed feelings about John Winchester, but, if just possibly, Dean might have seen a glimpse of his love and loyalty for Mary, well maybe I could forgive John for some of what he did to Dean.


End file.
